The Non-Dramatical Way to Give Birth

Caution: Detailed (but humorous) account of giving birth follows below. Read at your own risk.

On Tuesday, November 14, 2006 at approximately 9:02am I found out that I passed the NYS bar exam. I cried tears of relief and tears of happiness and, for the first time in my entire pregnancy, I relaxed! OK, I thought, come on water you can break now. I waited….and waited…and waited. I called Dr. R, “I passed the bar and my water didn’t break.” “Harley, I told you that only happens in the movies! We’re going ahead with the induction on Thursday night. Get some rest, kid!”

Flash forward to Thursday, November 16, 2006 at 11:04pm. While making final preparations to head to the hospital for my induction (we had a midnight call) I, of course, went into labor. Since it was a stormy night and Dr. R changed his schedule to ensure that he would deliver me, we decided to head to the hospital anyway and proceed with the induction as planned. (It is a good thing we did because more than 35 babies were born that Friday and many women labored in the hallway! Oh. My. God!).

We checked in and were assigned a nurse who was promptly scared away by the fact that I brought my own nightgown and refused to sign an epidural consent form. Our new nurse Ellie was fantastic! She came into the room about a half hour later and announced "So you brought your own nightgown. Great! I delivered all four of my babies at home. Let's do this thing naturally!" Relieved and relaxed, my contractions continued.

Around 2:30am, a resident inserted the Cervidil (causes the cervix to efface) and shortly thereafter my contractions were 3 minutes apart lasting 30-40 seconds each. I slept for about 3 hours. The resident removed the Cervidil at 6AM and said that Dr. R was on his way in to break my water. I thought that maybe I wouldn’t need Pitocin at that point since I was contracting on my own, but Dr. R determined that I was only 60% effaced and 2cm dilated - all those hours of contracting and I was only 2cm dilated! Very tough news to hear. I knew there was no fighting the Pitocin at that point. Dr. R was very gentle with the drug. At its most intense, I was only up to 3ml - a very small dosage. There is some comfort in knowing that my body mostly labored on its own with slight medicinal enhancement.

The Pitocin intensified the contractions to a point where mere words could not describe them! Oh. My. God! They rapidly accelerated to lasting 1 minute each with less then 30 seconds of downtime in between. Despite the IV and monitors I now wore, Nurse Ellie encouraged us (Andrew, V and I) to move around and try various positions. I went on like this for almost 5 hours with the most amazing husband and best friend (V) supporting me and my uncontrollable flatulance. That's right, I said it. I farted the whole damn time! Labor is gross and no one warns you. Giving birth is a disgusting little miracle. You fart, you pee-pee, you go poopies. A calliope of bodily fluids is involved. All right, people, now you know.

Around 11am, Dr. R came by to check on me. I had been in labor for 12 hours, and really felt beat up. Good news - I was in active labor: 5 cm dilated and 80% effaced. Dr. R left me with words of encouragement, "You're doing great, kid! You can do this thing naturally. You're a pro! I'll be back later and you’ll have a kid by dinnertime." He left, I had another contraction, and it hit me DINNERTIME???? It was only 11am! OH. MY. GOD. The tears began. It was too much. Too intense. Too painful. Too many more hours to go. I knew my option and was ready to discuss it. My biggest fear – the epidural…failure.

Andrew and V were fantastic! We previously acknowledged that I might hit a wall at transition (around 8cm) and, if I did, they would encourage me to keep going through it naturally. But here I was not even close to transition, with an estimated 7 hours to go, and I couldn't handle it. They asked me to think about why I was asking for an epidural and exactly what was holding me back. Through my uncontrollable tears, I realized the only thing holding me back was my fear of potential complications stemming from the needle in my spine. That was not a good enough reason to avoid an epidural when I could no longer relax through the contractions. Nurse Ellie assured me that since I was in active labor and not yet at transition the epidural would likely augment the labor, not slow it. I remember the agonizing hour-long decision to get an epidural as the most vivid part of the first stage of labor.

The decision was made and within a half hour the attending anesthesiologist was at my bedside prepping my back. Getting the epidural was strange mix of odd, unchartered, uncomfortable sensations. It was not pleasant, but it was also not painful. The relief was instant. The tears finally ended and I used my breathing to relax through the pressure that now replaced the pain. As my mental state shifted from primal to more socially aware, I permitted my mom and in-laws to say hello and wish me well.

Around 1:30pm, the family decided to take a walk to Starbucks. Things got quiet. Andrew ran to get something to munch on and a coffee. V and I went through the CDs we brought. She and I met years ago while working on a production of A Chorus Line, so playing it seemed an appropriate choice. Andrew, V and I chatted for a bit, then things started to change, inside my body, I mean. I felt....well, like I really had to poop." V, OH. MY. GOD. Get Andrew! Get everyone - this is it!" "Relax, hon, its only 2 o'clock and Dr. R said dinner time." "Well then get Nurse Ellie 'cause something is going on!"

Flash forward about 15 minutes, Dr. R announced, "Well, Kid, you are fully dilated and ready to push. I'll see you in a few minutes." Umm...seriously? It was too early - I got the epidural for nothing! I could have gone 3 hours without it! Oh. My. God! So, the epidural was shut off and Nurse Ellie began to transform the room into a Delivery Suite and suddenly we were in the home stretch. But, crap! Mom and the in-laws are still at Starbucks! So, Andrew called one of them and they hadn't even gotten their drinks yet. Someone stayed behind to get the caffeine while the rest rushed back to the hospital.

Nurse Ellie explained that we would "practice pushing" before Dr. R came back in. Knowing that I was trained as a singer she said, "OK, Harley, now belt out an E." She said it at the perfect moment because "What I Did For Love" was blaring out of the CD player, so singing along was nice (and oddly appropriate). Who knew that the singing techniques I learned so many years ago would push my kid out? After belting out a verse and a chorus, Nurse Ellie asked Andrew if he wanted to see the baby's head. Andrew describes this moment in the following way: "I thought that we were practicing pushing. Then, I looked down and saw the top of her head. I was like...whoa! Wait a minute. We're just supposed to be practicing here!"

Anyway, Mom got back to the hospital in time to watch the pushing. "One" began to emanate from the CD player. A minute or two later, Dr. R came back into the room and said "OK. Let's do this kid! On your next contraction push." She walks into a room and you know she's uncommonly rare, very unique peripatetic, poetic and chic. I pushed for just a couple of minutes and then felt it - the ring of fire. "Fire! Fire! Fire!" I yelled. Oh, strut your stuff! Can't get enough of her. Love her. I'm a son-of-a-gun she is One of a kind. I knew she was close and couldn't wait a minute longer. "Can I push without a contraction?" "You can try." Ooooooooooh! Sigh! Give her your attention. Do I really have to mention? She's the...I pushed and contorted my abs like never before. She's the... A head. She's the...Then a hand. She's the...One. Then a whole, perfect, not at all alien-looking little baby girl. Oh. My. God. The kid has perfect timing. Applause.

Many mothers told me that you forget the birth, that you forget the pain. They are partially correct. A year and a half later, on my second Mothers' Day, I remember the day that Lilah was born as if it were yesterday, but I have forgotten the pain. And its a damn good thing becasue if I remember what it felt like to squeeze a spiked mace out of my lady place I would never contemplate doing it again! Oh. My. God!

Happy Mothers' Day to one and all!